


tell me

by shogo



Series: arcadia [3]
Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-28 23:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16251656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shogo/pseuds/shogo
Summary: “Say you love me."





	tell me

“You don’t just recover after being burned as many times as I have.” Shogo said, and he could hear the anger in his own voice. Could hear the hurt and betrayal and the _constant_ disappointment he faced from people he’d dared to trust, that he’d foolishly relied on over the years.

Shinya exhaled slowly, dark eyes softening as if he was fighting the impulse to move closer though he continued to keep the safe distance between them. “I’m sorry about that.” He murmured, and Shogo felt his heart just _stop_ at the simple, genuine _rawness_ to his tone. He sighed again in a choked kind of way, and Shogo was suddenly acutely hyper aware of just _how_ difficult this must be for him to admit to somebody he feels so conflictingly for. “I wish I could fix you.” The ex-enforcer said finally, voice low and quiet and earnest.  
  
Shogo laughed at that, ignoring the sting it caused. Fix? To ‘fix’ meant something was broken in the first place. That it had been put together all wrong. Warped and ugly. _It’s not untrue_ , he supposed bitterly. That he was a broken thing, and what kind of people in this society of the new and shiny and replaceable really wanted the broken, ugly things? “Ah yes, sorry I’m not quite up to your standards.”

Shinya’s eyes hardened, the frown deepening on his face. “That’s not what I meant.”

Shogo started a bit at the resoluteness of his tone. Could hear the quiet desperation now behind it clearly, the simple plea asking him to understand without asking Shinya to explain any further.

But Shogo needed to hear these words, was starved for Shinya’s reassurance and admittance of Shogo’s significance to him. “You need to tell me.” He demanded quietly. “Things aren’t really _real_ until given a name and voice.”

His companion stared at him, dark eyes moving over his face and Shogo could just feel Shinya putting together the pieces bit by bit. The only man who’s ever lived who could ever hope to put together the proper picture and he was attempting it right here, right now.

 “I don’t know how else to say it.”

“Try.” 

Shinya breathed again, hard and quick like it was a breath he’d been holding for far too long. His hand twitched at his side and Shogo wondered if it was because Shinya was considering a cigarette or fighting the urge to reach out and touch him. “I know you’re hurt.” Shinya said finally. “Whole people don’t act the way we do— don’t do the things that we’ve done.”

“Ah, and it’s ‘we’ now?”

 “It’s always been.” Shinya said roughly, the words sounding like they were dragged out of him like a dagger that’d been lodged in deep. “It’s always been you and me.” 

That was new.

So he stayed silent, urging the heart in his chest to quiet itself even as this moment was beginning to draw itself up into the inevitable catalyst that’d been waiting to happen between them for months now. Since the moment of confrontation in the Nona tower, since the final stand off in that hyper oats field hundreds of thousands of miles away.

“Look, I—“ Shinya started before sighing heavily. Shogo felt the bed dip next to him as Shinya took a seat beside him, tension rolling off the other man in palpable waves. The hum of the A/C whirring into use was suddenly almost unbearably loud in the small room as they both waited for Shinya to continue. 

“I— know it’s.. hard for you.” He finally bit out, refusing to meet Shogo’s gaze. “It is for me too. This whole thing, whatever it is we have is just…” Shinya trailed off, words beginning to sound clumped and unhappy. The defeat in his posture was painfully obvious; everything from the slump in his shoulders to the tic in his jaw.

“It’s what?” Shogo pressed, unable to hide the impatience from edging into his tone. They’d already played this game. Already did this dance, it was old news by this point. Shinya was a broken record playing the same old song and the tune was was he now knew sickeningly well.

Shinya remained silent with hands clasped tightly across his lap, the knuckles a pale white against the rest of his skin. Shogo snorted softly, irritation and hurt pricking at his skin and pulling at his throat. “You speak as though I’m alone in this,” He murmurs finally, “it’s hard for you too.”

“Of course it is!” Shinya snaps, warring emotions flickering across his face as he turns to narrow his eyes at Shogo. “You have no fucking idea what I’m going through.”

 “Then _tell_ me.” Shogo hisses, quickly moving to cage Shinya’s face between his hands. The usual stoic demeanor cracked and angry and for _once_ betraying something that Shogo had been searching for since Shinya had pulled the gun back.

The line of Shinya’s jaw under his thumb, the slight rasp of stubble scrapping against his palm and the scent of cigarettes hanging off the very skin of the man… Everything about him was intoxicating and Shogo wanted nothing more than to _finally_ hear and see what the other man had been holding back this entire time.

Silence fell again and the hum of the air conditioner was nearly deafening as the tension in the room pulled thin.

“I hate seeing so much of myself in you.” Shinya says quietly, keeping his eyes locked on Shogo’s. “I hate that when we’re apart you’re all I can think about and I hate then when you’re near me all I can think about is strangling you.”

He chuckled bitterly at that, lips curling down as he reached up to pull Shogo’s hands away from his face and take them between his own. His palms were work-roughened and warm and so well fitted against Shogo’s that it made him want to scream.

 Shinya stared at him, eyes impossibly dark as he leaned in to press a firm, slow kiss against Shogo’s mouth. “You ruin me.” He whispered as he pulled back before tilting his head to press another kiss to the corner of Shogo’s lips. “You ruin me and I can’t keep myself away.”

 Shogo blows a shaky sigh at that, raising a hand to tangle his fingers through Shinya’s thick hair, encouraging. In response Shinya settled his hands against Shogo’s waist and hips before pushing him back onto the mattress and settling his weight over Shogo. 

The all-encompassing nature of it made Shogo gasp, as if to prevent himself from drowning in it. But there was no chance to catch his breath, not when the dizzying heat of having Shinya so close, so heavy on top of him with their mouths moving against each other like time was running down. 

The slide of Shinya’s hands moving down along Shogo’s sides trailed heat behind them, the pads of his fingers pushing insistently at the hem of his shirt and creeping up along the exposed bone of Shogo’s hips.

Shogo let his head fall back with another soft gasp, fingers curling tightly against Shinya’s scalp as lips moved down over his jaw to nip along the fragile skin along Shogo’s jaw. 

“Say you love me.” Shogo murmured suddenly, unable to stop the words from falling past his lips. He feels Shinya pause before pulling back and away to stare down at Shogo with an unreadable expression warring in those dark eyes.

“I won’t do that.” Shinya says finally, shaking his head.

“Then tell me you hate me.”

“I... can’t do that.”

Laughter bubbles up between them as Shogo feels yet another wave of exasperation wash over his skin and settle thickly in his throat. How unfair of him, once again denying any foothold for Shogo to gauge himself. He was losing himself out here, getting caught up in games he wasn’t entirely certain Shinya was unaware of. He slung an arm over his eyes, biting back the heavy disappointment pressing his lungs flat. “Then why do all this?” He said after a long moment, “Any of it?"  
  
Shinya sighs, reaching down to pull Shogo’s arm away and press a final, lingering kiss to his mouth. “That’s the one answer I wish I could give you.” He said quietly, “But I don’t even know it myself."

Shogo smiles faintly, falling back and away from Shinya to let his eyes slide shut. “That’s too bad."


End file.
